Lord Of The Rings The Prosthetic Feet
by Manson
Summary: Just a parody of LOTR probably going to go threw all 3 movies. Starts at the Council of Elrond.Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

Disclamier: I don't own any of the characters or Lord Of The Rings

Please note that this story begins at the council of Elrond, where Legolas comes in and the story really begins…

**Modernized version of the council of Elrond.**

Everyone sits down, a few coughs.

**Elrond: **Before we begin does anyone need to go to the toilet? looking at Gloin

**Gloin: **Wadda ya lookin' at me for?

**Legolas: **The reason he looks at you is because you smell Re-p-u-l-s-i-v-e, and along with sharp hearing and sight, Elves have keen smell. Since you arrived in Rivendell, the whole population has had to hold their breath.

**Gloin: **Why you….

**Elrond:** Ahem! Let's begin! People from everywhere, creatures we used to like, you're here to talk about this ring!

**Boromir: **What ring? Where? Give it to me now! May you all burn in Mount Doom, Muwhahahahahhahah!!

Everyone is looking at Boromir

**Boromir:** Cough Sorry. Sits down

**Elrond:** Put the ring on the sacrificial altar, Frodo.

Frodo does so

**Elrond: **This ring here is the source of all our troubles, and all of evil. If the bad guy gets this again we are **completely **doomed since nearly all the Evles have left and we all know men are dead without our help. In short the ring is a big pain in the butt.

Already we have taken steps, by reforging Narsil in case Aragorn here needs to chop off Saurons fingers, or what's left of them.

**Boromir: **Wait, if this is really powerful maybe my people aren't doomed to die in agony, if you give us the ring we have a chance to live. YAY!

Starts dancing around sacrificial altar

Hallelujah, God be praised for rescuing us.

**Elrond: **We have to destroy it.

Boromir stops capering and sits in chair looking like he is about to cry

Everyone stares blankly at the ring

Gimli thinks about feeding it to the giant squid outside of Moria

Merry thinks about feeding it to Pippin, then getting Gwaihiar to drop Pippin into Mt.Doom

Pippin thinks about feeding the ring to Merry, then getting Gwaihiar to drop Merry into Mt.Doom

Legolas thinks about taking the ring over the seas to Valinor

Gloin is thinking, he can't wait until all the Elves have gone over-seas to Valinor

Sam thinks about putting the ring into one of his pots and melting the pot, so it smothers the ring, then keep melting pots on it until it is a big boulder of impenetrable lead and copper, then rolling it into the ocean, down a deep underwater chasm

Gandalf thinks about giving the ring to Tom Bombadil and telling him **NOT **to lose it

Boromir wants to strangle Elrond

Frodo thinks about tramping all over the face of middle-earth, right in the open, climbing mountains, going through evil mines, walking into the den of a Ginormus deadly spider and climbing an erupting ash ridden volcano-alone

Aragorn is thinking about Arwen topless

They take a vote, Frodo wins. Lucky him, then he gets to be the ring bearer!

Boromir makes a grab for the ring, Gandalf scares him out of his wits, by speaking in an evil language, but he doesn't take the hint.

**Boromir: **Ash nazg my !&? Gimme Gimme Gimme.

Bilbo, who has done nothing but stare at the ring since Frodo put it down, stands up and suggests that he take it.

**Elrond: **No Bilbo, you are old and decrepit and would surly die.

Bilbo sits down muttering darkly

**Gimli:** Why do we have to walk all over middle-earth? Let's just destroy it now.

Gimli swings his axe on the ring and the ring shatters into a million pieces.

**Gimli:** HA! Problem solved by the sturdy dwarf.

**Elrond:** D'OH! Problem made worse by the stupid dwarf.

The pieces of the ring start to reform into the ring, from liquid form to solid.

**Legolas:** Good one! Now you have really made it angry.

**Gimli:** Ooooh I'm really scared of an immobile object. Save me!

Ring trembles violently – Gimli is still hopping from foot to foot wringing his hands.

Crack of thunder as Gimli is struck by lightening

**Gimli: **(Sizzling and blackened) I deserved that. sits down

**Elrond: **As you're all such imaginative people, Frodo's idea will have to do.

**Frodo: **I don't know the way to Mordor.

**Gandalf: **I'll show you the way as long as I don't have to carry the ring.

**Aragorn: **If I can help I will. You have my sword- and me to use it of course.

**Legolas: **You have my bow and my unlimited arrows.

**Gimli: **And my electro charged axe. (Electric charge jumps between fingers) Zapping noise

**Frodo: **Thanks guys, what are the chances of one of you carrying me to Mordor?

**All: **Not good!

**Frodo: **Ahh! Okay then. Since I have to carry the weight of middle earth you can carry the food, water, clothes, prosthetic feet and whatnot.

**Everyone: **Okay pouting

**Sam: **Hey, Mr Frodo's not going anywhere without me.

**Merry: **Oi, Oi were coming too! Right Pippin? stops and looks around, goes back to pillars, where Pippin is asleep against the pillar

**Merry: **Get up Pippin, you drunk! Kicks Pippin in the ribs

Pippin bites Merry's foot and almost instantly spits it out

**Pippin: **Blergh! What a grotesque taste. gets up, and steps over the twitching body of Merry who is holding his foot and whimpering

Stands near Frodo, Merry comes over still nursing his bitten foot.

**Pippin: **You have my cute looks and comic relief.

**Merry: **You have my wit and bravery.

**Elrond: **Nine people, okay you are named The Rings End Company or T.R.E.C

Merry and Pippin look at each other and giggle.

**Pippin: **Sounds like a talent quest.

**Merry: **Yeah star T.R.E.C pulling fingers apart

Gandalf "accidentally" drops his staff on Pippins head.

**Pippin: **Ow!

**Gandalf: **Be quiet you fool of a took!

**Elrond: **The Company awaits the ring bearers lead.

Frodo walks out of the gate, looking left and right.

**Frodo: **(whispering) Pssst! Gandalf, which way to Mordor?

**Gandalf: **Left, you really would be doomed if I died you know.

ominous crack of thunder

So what did you think? Please review and i'll write more.


	2. Chapter 2

Thankyou to 9-DArK-Moon-4, their review is the only reason i put up another chapter.**  
**

**Skip to scene where company is sitting on the rocky hill.**

Boromir is teaching Merry and Pippin how to peel an orange and not get juice on their fingers. In return Merry and Pippin are teaching Boromir how to eat the -already-peeled-orange without getting juice on his fingers.

Gimli is arguing with Gandalf over Moria and Legolas is watching a flock of evil, potentially dangerous birds, approach with rapid speed.

Sam, who is patting Bill's nose, asks "what's that?"

**Gimli: **Nothing, just a wisp of cloud.

**Boromir: **It's moving fast and against the wind (Frodo dully notes that Boromirs hair is blowing in the same direction as the cloud is moving)

**Legolas: **Crabirds from sea-land!

**Aragorn: **Hide!

Sam dives under a rock ledge and pulls Frodo with him, Boromir hides under some very sparse shrubs, Aragorn stamps out the fire grabs the companions packs and hides them under a rock, Bill the pony magically disappears and Merry grabs Pippin and pulls him under a bush.

**Pippin: **Wait, wait I have to…

**Merry: **Shut up Pippin! They're coming.

The Crabirds fly past and sweep around; one swoops and picks up something off the ground. The Crabirds fly off.

**Aragorn: **Thank god they're gone.

**Merry: **What was that thing one of them picked up?

**Pippin: **That's what I was trying to tell you! When you grabbed me one of my feet came off!

Everyone's staring at Pippin

**Pippin: **What?! It could have happen to anyone!

**Gimli: **Great! Now Saruman has proof that we're here.

**Gandalf: **Now we have to go over a freezing cold mountain.

**Pippin: **What, without a foot?

Gandalf "accidentally" drops his staff on Pippins head.

**Gandalf:** Fool of a Took, we brought extra feet with us.

**Pippin:** Phew, let's go then.

Company starts to march up a vertical cliff, it is snowing on them.

**Pippin (whining): **I think one of my feet is smaller than the other.

**Frodo:** The ring's getting really heavy; someone will have to carry me!

**Merry:** Yeah right. You just don't want to walk anymore.

Frodo shoots Merry a poisonous stare and continues to trudge up the hill. Finally they get to the top and are really, really tired.

They hear an evil voice yelling

**Legolas: **I hear an evil voice yelling!

**Boromir: **Well Duh! State the obvious why don't you.

**Gandalf:** It's Saruman!

**Boromir: **Well Duh! State the-

Gandalf hits Boromir in the mouth with a snowball.

**Boromir: **Pteu! C-c-c-c-c-cold, I ha-ha-ha-have s-sen-senastive t-t-teeth you know…Brrrr!

**Gandalf:** Boo hoo, your breaking my heart.

**Aragorn: **We are over half way already, we just have to run downhill.

**Gandalf:** No we have to go back. Sorry folks shows over,

**All:** Groooaaon!

They turn around but Frodo slips, Sam grabs Frodo's feet, Aragorn grabs Sams feet, Boromir grabs Aragorns feet, Legolas grabs Boromirs feet, Gimli grabs Legolas's feet, Gandalf grabs Gimli's feet and they all get rolled up in a snowball.

Merry and Pippin look at the snowball rolling away, then look at each other, then jump in the snow and start their own mini snowball.

The FABSLGG snowball flies off the cliff and plummets to earth and crashes in a ploosh! Of snow.

Everyone groans as they sit up, all except Gandalf and Gimli are hurt.

**Gimli: **HA! I am an indestructible Dwarf!

Meanwhile 100 prosthetic feet above him….

Merry and Pippin's snowball evaporates and leaves them flying helplessly through the air, as they re-enter the atmosphere the hairs on their little hobbit feet are singed this is extremely painful, but luckily Merry had stolen some crackers from a pouch he had found at the bottom of Caradhas.

After only six crackers Merry and Pippin are convinced they are flying and giggle hysterically as they plummet towards the helmeted head of Gimli who is half way through his speech of immortal ancestors and how his cousin Balin won back Moria single handedly.

Legolas who is floundering for his shiny elven blade to permanently shut the dwarf up, raises his hands in triumph as his blade glitters in the sun's cold light.

However as he turns his blade reflects a black dot, or maybe two in the sky. Shifting the blade so he can see better with his keen elvish sight he locates the two dots as falling directly above Gimli, and identifies the dots as Merry and Pippin.

Feigning interest in Gimli's story, Legolas shuffles backwards in the snow to allow room for the crater which was about to be made.

Sam and Frodo landed meters away and have just got up, start to massage their feet. Aragorn who has kingly sense's detects that danger approaches, and seeing Legolas move backwards also does so. Boromir looking confused also does so.

Gandalf walks over to tend to Sam and Frodo.

Aragorn finally sees the impending danger and opens his mouth to warn Gimli, Legolas smacks Aragorn on the back of the head.

(Skip to picture of Merry and Pippin giggling as they plummet towards middle earth)

(insert zooming music here)

Pippin and Merry would almost certainly be dead, if the Crabirds from sea-land hadn't developed a taste for hobbit.

The Crabirds came in a flock of thousands and started tearing at Merry and Pippins ears and feet.

This slowed their descent incredibly and only 4 meters above Gimli, the Crabirds leave Merry and Pippin.

Merry and Pippin started to gain speed again and now finally land, with a huge metallic thunk, on Gimli.

Aragorn crawls over to see if anyone needs help. However as he draws near Merry and Pippin simultaneously spring up from the snow and pelt Aragorn with snowballs.

Then still laughing like maniacs they rushed down the rest of the hill, and off to Moria.

**Frodo:** Oh no! Merry and Pippin ran off! I said Merry and Pippin ran away! Hello?

**Aragorn:** (brushing snow out of his beard) Good riddance…hmph!

Sam lets out a high pitched scream which echoes around the mountain tops.

**Frodo:** What is it Sam? What? (in a panicked voice)

**Sam:** Merry has all the food!

**Boromir:** Oh well, I'm sure we can…

**Sam:** And Pippin has _all_ the mead supply…

**Boromir:** MY GOD! After them! (points at the two dots in the distance)

Boromir starts forward but is knocked over by Gimli who rushes past in a panic after his ale. As he gets up he is knocked down again by Aragorn. Frodo and Sam are already far ahead, with Gimli quickly closing the gap, Boromir finally gets up and pelts after them, his stupid shield bouncing everywhere as he runs. Gandalf sighs, walks over to a pile of snow and brushes off the powdery snow to reveal a bright red snowmobile, jumping on he revs up and speeds after TREC in a puff of snow cloud.

Camera zooms out so we get a clear view of the whole company and Gandalf on his snowmobile, the silhouette of Gandalf drives past Boromirs silhouette, Boromirs silhouette falls over, gets up and continues running.

By the time Merry and Pippin get to Moria they are very tired and collapse at the doors.

The others catch up and Aragorn and Boromir have to physically restrain Gimli from drinking all ale in sight.

**Gandalf:** Well here we are…Mordor!

**Legolas:** I thought this was Moria?

**Gimli:** Of course it is you stupid elf! I know Moria like the back of my hand!

**Gandalf: **How do we get in?

**Gimli:** I…uh…um…dunno 

**Frodo:** What does it say?

**Gandalf:** Say friend and come in,

**Frodo:** Oooh that's a tough one!

**Gandalf:** I know.

The fellowship rest awhile camera zooms out


	3. Chapter 3

Skip to Orthanc where Saruman is standing looking imperial.

The Crabirds fly past…

**Saruman:** Ahhh my flying pretties have returned, what have they brought for me?

Crabirds drop Pippins foot and it falls fast, smacking Saruman in the side of the head.

**Saruman:** Ouch! You stupid little sideways walking-flying crustaceans with wings!! I will eat the lot of you for wizards day..

Crabirds drop another foot which stamps Saruman on the toe.

Saruman starts hopping around on one foot, and accidentally slips…he falls into a pit of lava (insert bridge of death screams here)

**Lurtz:** And so ends Saruman.

**Everyone:** YAY!!

Beer appears out of no where and everyone starts dancing

Saruman crawls up the cliff ledge to find a huge party going on.

**Saruman:** Get back to work you slackers!

**Everyone:** groan!!!!

Switch to bottom of Caradhas where Gollum opens a sack that is lying on the ground and screams in a gurgly voice.

**Gollum:** Nooooooo my crackers, they've gone! They've gone. Nooo crackerssssss!!

Pippin awakes with a start, the fellowship sit starting at the door.

**Sam:** Here Mr Frodo, have some mellon.

(Door opens)

**Gimli:** How did you know that?

Sam looks innocent

**Sam:** Lucky guess

**Gimli:** I remember a while back Moria was cleansed of all its food by a creature from the outside. A creature no-one had ever seen before….

**Sam: **I don't know what you're talking about (flashback to childhood memory) Sam comes walking down path outside of Bagend, extremely fat and decked in jewels and gold so much that he looks like Ali-G.

**Young Frodo:** Hey Sam, where'd you get the good grub?

Sam throws away chicken bone

**Sam:** Oh, uh, um. Nowhere sly look

**Sam**: (in present) I've never been here before.

His eyes are too large

**Boromir:** Now that's just disturbing…

They enter….

**Pippin:** Elbereth! It really stinks in here…

**Gandalf:** Stink rises, its worse up here!

**Legolas: **This is what you get when a race of creatures live in a hole full of stale air…and lets face it. Dwarves aren't the most fragrant of species.

**Gimli: **I'd rather smell more manly than be an Elf, you're men use more perfume than your females.

**Legolas:** At least you can tell our females from our males.

**Gimli:** What are you implying?

**Legolas:** People are starting to talk.

**Gimli:** You're gonna start them talking aren't you?

**Legolas:** Yes, yes I am.

**Boromir:** Me too.

**Aragorn:** And me.

**Hobbits:** Us too!

**Gimli:** I hate you all.

**Legolas:** Oh, oh I got a good comeback…. Your cousin and people are all dead!

**Gimli:** That's not a comeback it's….Oh no!

everyone sees corpses of Dwarves

**Boromir:** EEEEP!

**Aragorn:** Everyone in favor of leaving say I.

**All:** I

They turn around and run out…

500 meters away they stop…

**Gandalf:** Hmmm something feels wrong…

Ground collapses beneath them and they land in the middle of a billion orcs.

(**Gandalf:** That's better)

**Boromir:** Again, eeeep!

**Legolas:** Run Away...

They run, then have to cross a rail less bridge over a pit of lava, although technically the whole cavern would be full of magma by now…

When they get outside they realize Gandalf is gone.

**Aragorn:** Looks like the old guy didn't keep up, oh well guess he's dead. Let's go.


End file.
